Wednesday, April 13, 2011
Sunday, April 10, 2011
Blaze and Mommy go to the beach!
My wonderful puppy girl Blaze has been with us here in Charleston for about 8 months but I have never taken her to the beach! As an AVID beach lover, I couldn't believe I had taken this long! Josh was at work and I loaded her up in the car and we headed to Isle of Palms! We had a great time!
Sunday, March 27, 2011
Reasons to smile!
Don't know if any one reads this at all... but if you do- know that its not all sadness and gloom for me or us! We do have so many reasons to smile- and one of them is my sweet psuedo nephew, Alden Gregg! His mommy is one of my best friends and I love spending time with them BOTH! Here are some most recent pics of my little man!
Here is BIG boy eating yummy food!
We also made a trip to GA to see Josh's family. We got to spend some amazing time with sweet nephew Tatum!
Here is BIG boy eating yummy food!
We also made a trip to GA to see Josh's family. We got to spend some amazing time with sweet nephew Tatum!
Saturday, March 26, 2011
Depression
Webster’s Dictionary calls it “(1) : a state of feeling sad (2) : a psychoneurotic or psychotic disorder marked especially by sadness, inactivity, difficulty in thinking and concentration, a significant increase or decrease in appetite and time spent sleeping, feelings of dejection and hopelessness, and sometimes suicidal tendencies”
A counseling/psychologist center describes it: “Depression is a very serious illness that attacks both the mind and the body. Depression can result in very serious impairment in work, social, and bodily functioning. It frequently is manifested in a multitude of physical symptoms, thoughts and moods. It affects the way you eat, sleep, and the way you feel about yourself. Depression is not a sign of personal weakness or a condition that can be “willed away“. You cannot “pull yourself up by your bootstraps” and cause depression to go away. In most people however, depression can be treated successfully. Current research indicates that approximately 80% to 90% of individuals with depression can be successfully treated within one year of initiating treatment.”
I just call it MY LIFE. I have struggled as long as I can remember with feelings like this. I only found a name for it about a year ago. It is more severe at times than others, but its always there.
I wish more people discussed depression… in normal conversation. I wish it wasn’t something that was hidden in the shadows, talked about in hushed, embarrassed tones, or made light of as a joke. It’s an illness… like diabetes or cancer. It’s something that requires help including prayer, doctors/other professionals trained in this specific illness and for some, medicinal intervention.
So many people who are facing depression are ashamed and do not get the help they so badly need. Whereas others, like myself, are getting help but so exhausted… from trying to function without letting others see me struggle… from battling the negative thoughts… from going back and forth in my own head about what is “true”… from knowing the things I am thinking are making no sense but tired of trying to understand…
When I am caught in the throes of a “bad night”- it can be too hard to fight it. It’s easier to sink into the dark feelings and believe the negative… that I am a failure at everything so why bother? Life is like treading water in the middle of a frigid ocean... In the bad times, I just stop kicking and let it pull me down.
But nothing worth having is easy. I acknowledge at times that I have a lot to be grateful for. I can admit at times that these feelings are lies and can see the truth, like a glimpse of sun through the clouds. Somehow I cling to those glimpses like a life jacket and rise to tread water again.
Admitting is healing for me… talking about my disorder is one way to move past the lies that I face daily and find truth. Going to counseling and taking my meds as needed helps me to find the strength to fight for the glimpses... in the hope that
eventually the waves will cease and one day I will find the shore to stand on.
Praying for peace and continued healing for myself and all those who are sinking- especially those who have not,or feel they cannot reach out for help.
A counseling/psychologist center describes it: “Depression is a very serious illness that attacks both the mind and the body. Depression can result in very serious impairment in work, social, and bodily functioning. It frequently is manifested in a multitude of physical symptoms, thoughts and moods. It affects the way you eat, sleep, and the way you feel about yourself. Depression is not a sign of personal weakness or a condition that can be “willed away“. You cannot “pull yourself up by your bootstraps” and cause depression to go away. In most people however, depression can be treated successfully. Current research indicates that approximately 80% to 90% of individuals with depression can be successfully treated within one year of initiating treatment.”
I just call it MY LIFE. I have struggled as long as I can remember with feelings like this. I only found a name for it about a year ago. It is more severe at times than others, but its always there.
I wish more people discussed depression… in normal conversation. I wish it wasn’t something that was hidden in the shadows, talked about in hushed, embarrassed tones, or made light of as a joke. It’s an illness… like diabetes or cancer. It’s something that requires help including prayer, doctors/other professionals trained in this specific illness and for some, medicinal intervention.
So many people who are facing depression are ashamed and do not get the help they so badly need. Whereas others, like myself, are getting help but so exhausted… from trying to function without letting others see me struggle… from battling the negative thoughts… from going back and forth in my own head about what is “true”… from knowing the things I am thinking are making no sense but tired of trying to understand…
When I am caught in the throes of a “bad night”- it can be too hard to fight it. It’s easier to sink into the dark feelings and believe the negative… that I am a failure at everything so why bother? Life is like treading water in the middle of a frigid ocean... In the bad times, I just stop kicking and let it pull me down.
But nothing worth having is easy. I acknowledge at times that I have a lot to be grateful for. I can admit at times that these feelings are lies and can see the truth, like a glimpse of sun through the clouds. Somehow I cling to those glimpses like a life jacket and rise to tread water again.
Admitting is healing for me… talking about my disorder is one way to move past the lies that I face daily and find truth. Going to counseling and taking my meds as needed helps me to find the strength to fight for the glimpses... in the hope that
eventually the waves will cease and one day I will find the shore to stand on.
Praying for peace and continued healing for myself and all those who are sinking- especially those who have not,or feel they cannot reach out for help.
Sunday, March 20, 2011
Beauty will rise
It was the day the world went wrong
I screamed til my voice was gone
And watched through the tears as everything
Came crashing down
Slowy panic turns to pain
As we awake to what remains
And sift through the ashes
That are left behind
But buried deep beneath
All our broken dreams we have this hope
Out of these ashes beauty will rise
And we will dance among the ruins
We will see it with our own eyes
Out of these ashes beauty will rise
For we know joy is coming in the morning
In the morning, beauty will rise
So take another breath for now
And let the tears come washing down
And if you can't believe, I will believe for you
Cause I have seen the signs of spring
Just watch and see
Out of these ashes beauty will rise
And we will dance among the ruins
We will see it with our own eyes
Out of these ashes beauty will rise
For we know joy is coming in the morning
In the morning
I can hear it in the distance
And it's not too far away
It's the music and the laughter
Of a wedding and a feast
I can almost feel the hand of God
Reaching for my face to wipe the tears away
You say it's time to make everything new
Make it all new
This is our hope
This is a promise
This is our hope
This is a promise
It will take our breath away
To see the beauty that's been made
Out of the ashes, out of the ashes
It will take our breath away
To see the beauty that He's made
Out of the ashes, out of the ashes
Out of these ashes
Beauty will rise
And we will dance among the ruins
We will see it with our own eyes
Out of this darkness
New light will shine
And we'll know the joy that's coming in the morning
In the morning
Beauty will rise
I screamed til my voice was gone
And watched through the tears as everything
Came crashing down
Slowy panic turns to pain
As we awake to what remains
And sift through the ashes
That are left behind
But buried deep beneath
All our broken dreams we have this hope
Out of these ashes beauty will rise
And we will dance among the ruins
We will see it with our own eyes
Out of these ashes beauty will rise
For we know joy is coming in the morning
In the morning, beauty will rise
So take another breath for now
And let the tears come washing down
And if you can't believe, I will believe for you
Cause I have seen the signs of spring
Just watch and see
Out of these ashes beauty will rise
And we will dance among the ruins
We will see it with our own eyes
Out of these ashes beauty will rise
For we know joy is coming in the morning
In the morning
I can hear it in the distance
And it's not too far away
It's the music and the laughter
Of a wedding and a feast
I can almost feel the hand of God
Reaching for my face to wipe the tears away
You say it's time to make everything new
Make it all new
This is our hope
This is a promise
This is our hope
This is a promise
It will take our breath away
To see the beauty that's been made
Out of the ashes, out of the ashes
It will take our breath away
To see the beauty that He's made
Out of the ashes, out of the ashes
Out of these ashes
Beauty will rise
And we will dance among the ruins
We will see it with our own eyes
Out of this darkness
New light will shine
And we'll know the joy that's coming in the morning
In the morning
Beauty will rise
Wednesday, March 16, 2011
Blessings
We pray for blessings
We pray for peace
Comfort for family, protection while we sleep
We pray for healing, for prosperity
We pray for Your mighty hand to ease our suffering
All the while, You hear each spoken need
Yet love us way too much to give us lesser things
‘Cause what if your blessings come through raindrops
What if Your healing comes through tears
What if a thousand sleepless nights
Are what it takes to know You’re near
What if trials of this life are Your mercies in disguise
We pray for wisdom
Your voice to hear
And we cry in anger when we cannot feel You near
We doubt Your goodness, we doubt Your love
As if every promise from Your Word is not enough
All the while, You hear each desperate plea
But long that we'd have the faith to believe
‘Cause what if your blessings come through raindrops
What if Your healing comes through tears
What if a thousand sleepless nights
Are what it takes to know You’re near
And what if trials of this life are Your mercies in disguise
When friends betray us
When darkness seems to win
We know the pain reminds this heart
That this is not, this is not our home, is not our home
‘Cause what if your blessings come through raindrops
What if Your healing comes through tears
And what if a thousand sleepless nights
Are what it takes to know You’re near
What if my greatest disappointments
Or the aching of this life
Is the revealing of a greater thirst this world can’t satisfy
And what if trials of this life
The rain, the storms, the hardest nights
Are your mercies in disguise
We pray for peace
Comfort for family, protection while we sleep
We pray for healing, for prosperity
We pray for Your mighty hand to ease our suffering
All the while, You hear each spoken need
Yet love us way too much to give us lesser things
‘Cause what if your blessings come through raindrops
What if Your healing comes through tears
What if a thousand sleepless nights
Are what it takes to know You’re near
What if trials of this life are Your mercies in disguise
We pray for wisdom
Your voice to hear
And we cry in anger when we cannot feel You near
We doubt Your goodness, we doubt Your love
As if every promise from Your Word is not enough
All the while, You hear each desperate plea
But long that we'd have the faith to believe
‘Cause what if your blessings come through raindrops
What if Your healing comes through tears
What if a thousand sleepless nights
Are what it takes to know You’re near
And what if trials of this life are Your mercies in disguise
When friends betray us
When darkness seems to win
We know the pain reminds this heart
That this is not, this is not our home, is not our home
‘Cause what if your blessings come through raindrops
What if Your healing comes through tears
And what if a thousand sleepless nights
Are what it takes to know You’re near
What if my greatest disappointments
Or the aching of this life
Is the revealing of a greater thirst this world can’t satisfy
And what if trials of this life
The rain, the storms, the hardest nights
Are your mercies in disguise
Sunday, March 6, 2011
Even on my weakest days, I get a little bit stronger.
"Woke up late today and I still feel the sting of the pain. But I brushed my teeth anyway. I got dressed through the mess and put a smile on my face. I got a little bit stronger... I know my heart will never be the same but I'm telling myself I'll be okay. Even on my weakest days, I get a little bit stronger." Sara Evans, Little Bit ...Stronger
Ok- I know the song is about breaking up but the chorus caught my ear.
This past week has been one for the record books... I have never had to fight against the demons of depression like this past week. On Sunday evening, I had just finally had enough... enough of the tears, enough of being angry about loss, enough of missing sweet faith, enough of not being myself. I lost control and make a mistake that I hadnt made in 3 years almost. I burnt myself... and was sent into a spiral of depression. SO much so, that I couldn't leave the house until Wednesday afternoon- and even then, had to rush back after taking Josh to work. Each time I thought about having to face the world... my head would start throbbing and my heart would start pounding and uncontrollable crying.
I was able to go see my counselor Thursday afternoon to get some help and Alicia (Who is an amazing blessing) talked me through what I have been feeling and some coping strategies that I need to recover. She gave me "homework" that I had to leave the house that night with Josh. We went out to eat... but I was fighting the anxiety the whole time. I love being with Josh but it was really difficult to really let go. I made the promise to myself that I would get up and dressed and go to work on Friday. The following morning I fought back tears as we got in the car. The fear of facing people at work... who I had felt that I let down... was painful. We began to prepare my room for the day...and the dam broke. The flood of tears began and I realized that I was not quite ready for this. I spoke to my amazing co-teachers, in tears, and attempted to leave. Unfortunately, I saw one of my students on my way out.
This sweet little first grader was so excited to see me back after a week of being out... she ran at me full force and said "MRS CAINES- YOU ARE BACK!" I could barely get the words out, "No, I am still have to be at home today." It broke my already-in-peices heart to have to see her excitement and have to walk away. My kids are so special to me and I wanted to be there for them. Sobbing in the car... Josh finally got me home and I crawled into bed... absolutely defeated.
Now, here I sit, preparing lessons and SMARTboards for another Monday. I am using the coping strategies discussed with my counselor and using the help of my meds to be calm. I know my heart will never be the same but I'm telling myself I'll be okay. Even on my weakest days, I get a little bit stronger. I will continue to get stronger. I have to. God is there, even in my weakness. He will help to fight the fear and worries and sadness. I will grieve for my sweet baby Faith. I will recover, in time. I must cling to GOD's promises.
" …all the days ordained for me were written in Your book before one of them came to be" (Psalm 139:16, NIV) Father God, today I humbly come to You giving thanks for Your goodness and faithfulness in my life. I trust that Your plan for me is good, and I choose to turn the page on the past by choosing Your ways. I forgive myself and release my pain so I can move forward in the next chapter You have for me. In Jesus’ Name. Amen.
Ok- I know the song is about breaking up but the chorus caught my ear.
This past week has been one for the record books... I have never had to fight against the demons of depression like this past week. On Sunday evening, I had just finally had enough... enough of the tears, enough of being angry about loss, enough of missing sweet faith, enough of not being myself. I lost control and make a mistake that I hadnt made in 3 years almost. I burnt myself... and was sent into a spiral of depression. SO much so, that I couldn't leave the house until Wednesday afternoon- and even then, had to rush back after taking Josh to work. Each time I thought about having to face the world... my head would start throbbing and my heart would start pounding and uncontrollable crying.
I was able to go see my counselor Thursday afternoon to get some help and Alicia (Who is an amazing blessing) talked me through what I have been feeling and some coping strategies that I need to recover. She gave me "homework" that I had to leave the house that night with Josh. We went out to eat... but I was fighting the anxiety the whole time. I love being with Josh but it was really difficult to really let go. I made the promise to myself that I would get up and dressed and go to work on Friday. The following morning I fought back tears as we got in the car. The fear of facing people at work... who I had felt that I let down... was painful. We began to prepare my room for the day...and the dam broke. The flood of tears began and I realized that I was not quite ready for this. I spoke to my amazing co-teachers, in tears, and attempted to leave. Unfortunately, I saw one of my students on my way out.
This sweet little first grader was so excited to see me back after a week of being out... she ran at me full force and said "MRS CAINES- YOU ARE BACK!" I could barely get the words out, "No, I am still have to be at home today." It broke my already-in-peices heart to have to see her excitement and have to walk away. My kids are so special to me and I wanted to be there for them. Sobbing in the car... Josh finally got me home and I crawled into bed... absolutely defeated.
Now, here I sit, preparing lessons and SMARTboards for another Monday. I am using the coping strategies discussed with my counselor and using the help of my meds to be calm. I know my heart will never be the same but I'm telling myself I'll be okay. Even on my weakest days, I get a little bit stronger. I will continue to get stronger. I have to. God is there, even in my weakness. He will help to fight the fear and worries and sadness. I will grieve for my sweet baby Faith. I will recover, in time. I must cling to GOD's promises.
" …all the days ordained for me were written in Your book before one of them came to be" (Psalm 139:16, NIV) Father God, today I humbly come to You giving thanks for Your goodness and faithfulness in my life. I trust that Your plan for me is good, and I choose to turn the page on the past by choosing Your ways. I forgive myself and release my pain so I can move forward in the next chapter You have for me. In Jesus’ Name. Amen.
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