It was 9 weeks ago that I got a “feeling” that something was different about me. I began to wonder if God had decided to surprise us with a miracle. Although we were not expecting it… we dared to hope that God had blessed us with a child. We decided that if certain things did not occur by a certain date…. I would take a pregnancy test. That date was, ironically, Christmas Day. Needless to say- it did not occur so I took the test before my husband and I opened presents. We thought that the results would be an interesting present as well. Well that test was ruled ‘inconclusive’… so we continued with our Christmas plans as usual- all the while wondering. About a week later we returned from plans and took another test… this one came up positive before I could even blink. I could hardly believe it! My lifelong dream was coming true long before we thought to plan it. My husband and I felt a flood of emotions… wonder, fear, but most of all excitement! After a second test came up positive- we called the doctor to make an appointment. The made the appointment for two weeks later… by this point it was already January 12th. We were so ready to find out- for sure- if it was true.
At our doctor’s appointment on January 12th, we were informed that it was true due to another test! My doctor was called to deliver an emergency c-section at the nearby hospital so I could not have my appointment with her. However, the nurse informed us that we could have our ultrasound at this appointment. Our hearts leapt with joy- we would see our baby that day!! We went to the ultrasound room and the technician showed us our beautiful baby! She told us that the baby was measuring 6 weeks and pointed out the heartbeat. Although we didn’t need help- it was easy to see that flutter! There were no words to explain that moment of pure wonder and joy.
She printed out pictures for us and we looked in amazement at the proof of life that God created inside me. We made an appointment for the following week to meet with my doctor. Josh and I decided that we would keep this news mostly to ourselves. We told very few friends and family. I had many concerns- due to my condition called PCOS or polycystic ovarian syndrome. I was at a higher risk for miscarriage and this put us both on edge, until we got more information.
We met with my doctor on January 19th and she ran all the usual tests. She spoke to us about our concerns and helped to ease our fears. My doctor is amazing- she knows me very well and how I struggle with anxiety and worry. She even squeezed us in to get another ultrasound during this visit! We were overjoyed to get to see our baby again! This time, however, the tech was concerned because the heartbeat was slower than expected. We made another appointment for the next week, to check and see if things had evened out for our precious baby. I was scared… but Josh and I did our best to continue with our normal life. We taking each day at a time and praying all the while for God’s will to be done. We wondered- what was going on with our sweet baby? Was this dream over before it really began? We knew it could be bad news and did our best to prepare ourselves for the idea that this may not lead to a full term pregnancy or child.
We went back the following Tuesday the 25th for yet another ultrasound. By this point, we were aching for answers. Our hearts were extremely burdened with fear and worry over what was happening for our family. The people we had told about the baby were praying for us and for the doctor to find the answers we needed so desperately. Unfortunately- this visit proved to be most difficult. There was little to no growth in our sweet baby and its heartbeat had slowed even more. My heart was breaking into a million tiny pieces at the thought of this amazing journey coming to an end so soon. I broke into tears because I didn’t know what to do. The doctor spoke with us about our options… we could wait for the miscarriage to happen on its own or we could schedule a D&C procedure to reduce the chance of infection. After talking it over with my dear husband, we decided that we would rather schedule the appointment and try to move forward with whatever God may have for us. We were scheduled for Thursday of the same week. There are no words for the pain in my heart that day. I weep even now, just remembering that afternoon. Yes, Josh and I wanted answers. We finally had answers and were as prepared as we could have been to move forward. At the time, I jokingly insisted that we stop at my favorite sub shop- since now I could eat deli meat and drink as much soda as I wanted again. We did.
When I got home, I cried at the thought of what was happening and our loss. I felt like I had failed as a mother. I couldn’t protect this baby growing inside me. I felt I had failed as a wife… I couldn’t provide my husband with the chance to be a father. I felt I had failed as a Christian… because I hadn’t trusted God to provide this baby with life. I felt so many emotions that I was overwhelmed. The pain was too great for me to even think about functioning as the moments drew close to the procedure. Josh was amazing through it all. I know he was facing his own fear and sorrow over it all- but was there for me to cling to and cry on. We prayed for acceptance of what was going to happen but also scheduled another ultrasound for Thursday morning to assure ourselves that we had made the best decision for our baby, my health, our family, and any future babies.
I felt as though I had come to terms as best I could with what was happening. I took the necessary meds before the procedure and we arrived at the doctors’ early Thursday morning. We walked back to the ultrasound room resigned to what was to come- good or bad. The technician seemed to see something that I couldn’t quite see. She said she saw a heartbeat so the doctor came in and watched the screen as well. They printed pictures and said that they needed to look them over. Josh and I sat, anxiously waiting. My doctor came back in and told us that they did see a heartbeat! She did not feel comfortable with completing the procedure when there was still a chance. We scheduled a follow up visit for the next week to see what would happen next. For some reason- I couldn’t let myself believe that it would all be just fine. In the days following, my mind reeled with all the ups and downs that Josh and I had been through. Although some friends saw this last ultrasound as a sign of hope that it would all be ok… it just felt like another roller coaster and I was ready to get off. I was confused and exhausted. I had no room for hope in my heart so I prayed for peace in the storm. I spent that Friday deep in prayer and bathing myself in Christian music to find God in the confusion.
We finally made it to Wednesday afternoon. We had our ultrasound, with the doctor present, and this time they took my pulse as well. When the ultrasound was over, we went into the doctor’s office to wait. She came in with my file and each of the ultrasounds. She explained that the heartbeat they thought they saw the previous week was actually my heartbeat and that it was originating, not from the baby in the ultrasound, but instead from the connecting tissue (which would have formed into the umbilical cord). She assured us that this is what she thought may have been the case from the second ultrasound- but wanted to be sure. We appreciated her vigilance in making sure our baby was truly gone before moving forward to remove it. We scheduled the procedure for the next day. I thought that I had dealt with the grief the previous week… so I was shocked when an intense wave of tears overwhelmed me that evening. I realized that I didn’t want this to be over… I didn’t want our baby to be gone…. I ached to be a mother and for Josh to be a father. He assured me that we would be- that God was in control.
Again, I took the meds for the procedure and it was completed on Thursday. Josh and I stopped for Chickfila on the way home… and a friend brought us groceries. I wanted so badly to be normal and myself again. I even planned on going to work on Friday- but the physical pain was tough to deal with. The next few days were somewhat numb. I went and ate out at various restaurants… I even went alone to give Josh as break from his role as ‘protector’. Even as I tried to be myself again- I was somehow disconnected. I delved deep into scripture and other books recommended by friends who had lost their own babies. I kept going… I found comfort in others who knew the pain of losing a baby and those who ache for one they have not yet conceived. I went back to work and slowly life continued. I named our baby Faith Jean Caines, in honor of the faith that God will provide strength for us and, in time, future children. Also- Jean is in memory of Josh’s grandmother who passed away. It comforts us both to think that Nanny is holding our little angel in heaven and spoiling her rotten.
I am almost fully recovered from the physical pain… but the pain in my heart still catches me by surprise at times. Like when a friend tells me she is pregnant with her second baby…. Or a friend finally gets to tell the world that she and her husband are expecting… Or another friend has her baby and sends me a picture… I want to be happy for them. Really- I do.
But my heart doesn’t know how quite yet. I am just so jealous that they get ANOTHER baby and I don’t even get one. I am hurting that I do not get to make my own announcement about OUR baby. I am angry that they get to send pictures and I only have one ultrasound of MY baby that will never be more than a memory. These feelings are confusing and scary and shock even me. Because I want to be happy- I want to celebrate with them. I want to snuggle their little ones without collapsing into tears that I will never get to snuggle my sweet little Faith. But I do not know how yet…
If any out there reads this.... please pray.
