Reasons to smile!

Don't know if any one reads this at all... but if you do- know that its not all sadness and gloom for me or us! We do have so many reasons to smile- and one of them is my sweet psuedo nephew, Alden Gregg! His mommy is one of my best friends and I love spending time with them BOTH! Here are some most recent pics of my little man!

Here is BIG boy eating yummy food!



We also made a trip to GA to see Josh's family. We got to spend some amazing time with sweet nephew Tatum!

Depression

Webster’s Dictionary calls it “(1) : a state of feeling sad (2) : a psychoneurotic or psychotic disorder marked especially by sadness, inactivity, difficulty in thinking and concentration, a significant increase or decrease in appetite and time spent sleeping, feelings of dejection and hopelessness, and sometimes suicidal tendencies”

A counseling/psychologist center describes it: “Depression is a very serious illness that attacks both the mind and the body. Depression can result in very serious impairment in work, social, and bodily functioning. It frequently is manifested in a multitude of physical symptoms, thoughts and moods. It affects the way you eat, sleep, and the way you feel about yourself. Depression is not a sign of personal weakness or a condition that can be “willed away“. You cannot “pull yourself up by your bootstraps” and cause depression to go away. In most people however, depression can be treated successfully. Current research indicates that approximately 80% to 90% of individuals with depression can be successfully treated within one year of initiating treatment.”


I just call it MY LIFE. I have struggled as long as I can remember with feelings like this. I only found a name for it about a year ago. It is more severe at times than others, but its always there.

I wish more people discussed depression… in normal conversation. I wish it wasn’t something that was hidden in the shadows, talked about in hushed, embarrassed tones, or made light of as a joke. It’s an illness… like diabetes or cancer. It’s something that requires help including prayer, doctors/other professionals trained in this specific illness and for some, medicinal intervention.

So many people who are facing depression are ashamed and do not get the help they so badly need. Whereas others, like myself, are getting help but so exhausted… from trying to function without letting others see me struggle… from battling the negative thoughts… from going back and forth in my own head about what is “true”… from knowing the things I am thinking are making no sense but tired of trying to understand…

When I am caught in the throes of a “bad night”- it can be too hard to fight it. It’s easier to sink into the dark feelings and believe the negative… that I am a failure at everything so why bother? Life is like treading water in the middle of a frigid ocean... In the bad times, I just stop kicking and let it pull me down.

But nothing worth having is easy. I acknowledge at times that I have a lot to be grateful for. I can admit at times that these feelings are lies and can see the truth, like a glimpse of sun through the clouds. Somehow I cling to those glimpses like a life jacket and rise to tread water again.

Admitting is healing for me… talking about my disorder is one way to move past the lies that I face daily and find truth. Going to counseling and taking my meds as needed helps me to find the strength to fight for the glimpses... in the hope that
eventually the waves will cease and one day I will find the shore to stand on.

Praying for peace and continued healing for myself and all those who are sinking- especially those who have not,or feel they cannot reach out for help.

Beauty will rise

It was the day the world went wrong
I screamed til my voice was gone
And watched through the tears as everything
Came crashing down

Slowy panic turns to pain
As we awake to what remains
And sift through the ashes
That are left behind

But buried deep beneath
All our broken dreams we have this hope

Out of these ashes beauty will rise
And we will dance among the ruins
We will see it with our own eyes
Out of these ashes beauty will rise
For we know joy is coming in the morning
In the morning, beauty will rise

So take another breath for now
And let the tears come washing down
And if you can't believe, I will believe for you

Cause I have seen the signs of spring
Just watch and see

Out of these ashes beauty will rise
And we will dance among the ruins
We will see it with our own eyes
Out of these ashes beauty will rise
For we know joy is coming in the morning
In the morning

I can hear it in the distance
And it's not too far away
It's the music and the laughter
Of a wedding and a feast
I can almost feel the hand of God
Reaching for my face to wipe the tears away
You say it's time to make everything new
Make it all new

This is our hope
This is a promise
This is our hope
This is a promise

It will take our breath away
To see the beauty that's been made
Out of the ashes, out of the ashes

It will take our breath away
To see the beauty that He's made
Out of the ashes, out of the ashes

Out of these ashes
Beauty will rise
And we will dance among the ruins
We will see it with our own eyes
Out of this darkness
New light will shine
And we'll know the joy that's coming in the morning
In the morning
Beauty will rise

Blessings

We pray for blessings
We pray for peace
Comfort for family, protection while we sleep
We pray for healing, for prosperity
We pray for Your mighty hand to ease our suffering
All the while, You hear each spoken need
Yet love us way too much to give us lesser things

‘Cause what if your blessings come through raindrops
What if Your healing comes through tears
What if a thousand sleepless nights
Are what it takes to know You’re near
What if trials of this life are Your mercies in disguise
We pray for wisdom
Your voice to hear
And we cry in anger when we cannot feel You near
We doubt Your goodness, we doubt Your love
As if every promise from Your Word is not enough
All the while, You hear each desperate plea
But long that we'd have the faith to believe

‘Cause what if your blessings come through raindrops
What if Your healing comes through tears
What if a thousand sleepless nights
Are what it takes to know You’re near
And what if trials of this life are Your mercies in disguise

When friends betray us
When darkness seems to win
We know the pain reminds this heart
That this is not, this is not our home, is not our home

‘Cause what if your blessings come through raindrops
What if Your healing comes through tears
And what if a thousand sleepless nights
Are what it takes to know You’re near
What if my greatest disappointments
Or the aching of this life
Is the revealing of a greater thirst this world can’t satisfy
And what if trials of this life
The rain, the storms, the hardest nights
Are your mercies in disguise

Even on my weakest days, I get a little bit stronger.

"Woke up late today and I still feel the sting of the pain. But I brushed my teeth anyway. I got dressed through the mess and put a smile on my face. I got a little bit stronger... I know my heart will never be the same but I'm telling myself I'll be okay. Even on my weakest days, I get a little bit stronger." Sara Evans, Little Bit ...Stronger

Ok- I know the song is about breaking up but the chorus caught my ear.

This past week has been one for the record books... I have never had to fight against the demons of depression like this past week. On Sunday evening, I had just finally had enough... enough of the tears, enough of being angry about loss, enough of missing sweet faith, enough of not being myself. I lost control and make a mistake that I hadnt made in 3 years almost. I burnt myself... and was sent into a spiral of depression. SO much so, that I couldn't leave the house until Wednesday afternoon- and even then, had to rush back after taking Josh to work. Each time I thought about having to face the world... my head would start throbbing and my heart would start pounding and uncontrollable crying.
I was able to go see my counselor Thursday afternoon to get some help and Alicia (Who is an amazing blessing) talked me through what I have been feeling and some coping strategies that I need to recover. She gave me "homework" that I had to leave the house that night with Josh. We went out to eat... but I was fighting the anxiety the whole time. I love being with Josh but it was really difficult to really let go. I made the promise to myself that I would get up and dressed and go to work on Friday. The following morning I fought back tears as we got in the car. The fear of facing people at work... who I had felt that I let down... was painful. We began to prepare my room for the day...and the dam broke. The flood of tears began and I realized that I was not quite ready for this. I spoke to my amazing co-teachers, in tears, and attempted to leave. Unfortunately, I saw one of my students on my way out.
This sweet little first grader was so excited to see me back after a week of being out... she ran at me full force and said "MRS CAINES- YOU ARE BACK!" I could barely get the words out, "No, I am still have to be at home today." It broke my already-in-peices heart to have to see her excitement and have to walk away. My kids are so special to me and I wanted to be there for them. Sobbing in the car... Josh finally got me home and I crawled into bed... absolutely defeated.

Now, here I sit, preparing lessons and SMARTboards for another Monday. I am using the coping strategies discussed with my counselor and using the help of my meds to be calm. I know my heart will never be the same but I'm telling myself I'll be okay. Even on my weakest days, I get a little bit stronger. I will continue to get stronger. I have to. God is there, even in my weakness. He will help to fight the fear and worries and sadness. I will grieve for my sweet baby Faith. I will recover, in time. I must cling to GOD's promises.

" …all the days ordained for me were written in Your book before one of them came to be" (Psalm 139:16, NIV) Father God, today I humbly come to You giving thanks for Your goodness and faithfulness in my life. I trust that Your plan for me is good, and I choose to turn the page on the past by choosing Your ways. I forgive myself and release my pain so I can move forward in the next chapter You have for me. In Jesus’ Name. Amen.

My Story

At www.thatgirlthing.com, there is a link to the video from TGT 2009. This is a video of That Girl Thing Retreat in which I, along with other leaders, got to share our stories of how God has worked in our lives. It was intense and emotional for us all... but we knew that God was calling us to share the truth. My story starts at 2:20 through 9:00..... then completes at 28:50 through 33:40.

Here is the written version of my story. Be prepared... it is honest and raw.

-Growing up, I was always the good girl. Did the right thing- I couldn’t show when I got upset or sad or mad because I had to make sure everyone else was happy.

-As I grew up, I faced challenges, of course… and I would get through it. I would look back and think- I’m ok. No one can know. I tried to follow God and pray through it. But I still found it really hard to share with people when I was hurting.

-In the summer of 2005- God called me to give up the thing that meant the most to me. That’s one reason why I had to give it up… it began to mean more to me than him. So- in this act of trusting God….. Satan saw my heart and decided to attack me full force with the lies that had always been hiding in the background of my mind.

-I graduated college and began my first year of teaching. I got majorly overwhelmed at trying to be a grown up… I could do it. I felt I was failing at everything in life- that I would never been good enough or do it right. Those lies began to swallow me whole and color my whole life. I began experiencing what I can only call the darkness… nights when all I could do was shake and cry because it was too much. Life was too much. But I still couldn’t let anyone know…. I couldn’t be “broken”.

-I turned to shallow meaningless interactions with guys to try to control anything in my life. If I was making choices- I wanted to forget that feeling of darkness. So I made some serious mistakes with guys that meant nothing to me but physical affection. I craved feeling anything else… Praise God I never had sex during this time. I began to feel dirty and knew I was giving away my innocence and knew these mistakes were temporary fixes. I was hurting people without realizing it and I couldn’t let people know that I wasn’t the “good girl” anymore… that I had done things I wasn’t proud of.

-I knew I couldn’t turn to guys anymore to forget… I needed something I could control. So, I turned to making myself sick. I would force myself to vomit up what I ate when I felt the darkness… it wasn’t a weight thing. It had nothing to do with that at all…. I needed to control something- anything in my life. But friends started to notice- and started to ask if I was sick. They started to worry and encourage me to go to the doctor…. All because I needed something to control. But it scared me… they knew. Even though I tried to hide…. They knew. So I had to find another way….

-When the pressures of life got too much, when I let a friend down, or made a mistake at work, or felt as though I was disappointing people…. I felt the darkness overwhelm me. I struggled to breathe and would shake uncontrollably…. Sobbing because I couldn’t do it right. I needed something- I needed an escape. I needed to feel something else- anything else besides this hurt.

-So, I took it another step…. I began burning myself with my curling iron. In places no one would ever see. That rush of pain- I felt alive again. It stopped the swirling and the spinning and the drowning feeling. It caused pain, yes. I still have scars, yes. But that stinging burn of the iron… felt better somehow than drowning in darkness.

-I only told one person, who must have been so scared for me. At 2 am, during those calls, when I couldn’t talk and reminding me to breathe. He didn’t know what else to do- so he prayed. He put me at the feet of the Father and allowed me to be broken. I hated that the one person that meant the world to me had to see my darkness…. But allowed me to be honest and real. He made me promise to tell him the truth. He made me see that honesty wouldn’t make him leave… or be too much for him to handle. Because his strength came from God- just as mine would if I went back to my first love, my relationship with Christ.

-I was barely hanging on, fighting for control. Still hurting myself to escape. Then in May, the weekend of Mother’s day…. I went home to visit my parents… only to find that my mom was in the hospital with and cancerous tumor and questionable spots in her diseased lungs. And- I couldn’t fix it. I couldn’t hide from the pain of what could happen… I was lost in a world where I didn’t have the answers. I had no control- no matter what I did. This situation tore me down farther than I ever thought I could go. My mother had to have her arm amputated and is now on oxygen for the rest of her life. And no matter what I do or what I say, I cant control it. Only God can.

-I began to take steps to believe what Id always been taught…. And in the summer of 2009 I went as a chaperone with my youth from my church back home to Seesalt. I continued to battle those thoughts of “not being good enough” or second guessing every choice I made that week and feeling like such a failure. And Thursday night God broke my heart down- and I let others in. I had to tell my secrets because they were eating me alive. Destroying me from the inside out… emotionally, mentally, and physically. Those lies that I had let myself believe were truth. Becky, another chaperone on the trip prayed with me and helped me to see that I needed help.

-In August, I began going to a Christian Counselor to talk through what I had been going through. I was diagnosed with anxiety disorder and I finally had a name for the paralyzing fear and overwhelming darkness. I continue to meet every other week with my counselor and take medicine to help me cope with the anxiety. I have learned coping strategies when I feel out of control.

-I still face the battle everyday. To believe the lies or trust in the truth of God. I cling to verses like 1 Corinthians 10:5 “We destroy every proud obstacle that keeps people from knowing God. We capture their rebellious thoughts and teach them to obey Christ.” and Phillipians 4:4-9 “Don’t worry about anything; instead, pray about everything. Tell God what you need, and thank him for all he has done. 7 Then you will experience God’s peace, which exceeds anything we can understand. His peace will guard your hearts and minds as you live in Christ Jesus. And now, dear brothers and sisters, one final thing. Fix your thoughts on what is true, and honorable, and right, and pure, and lovely, and admirable. Think about things that are excellent and worthy of praise. 9 Keep putting into practice all you learned and received from me—everything you heard from me and saw me doing. Then the God of peace will be with you.”

-In my weakness, in the darkness, He is strong. Think what you want about me…. But know that God brought me through and still is. “ So to keep me from becoming proud, I was given a thorn in my flesh, a messenger from Satan to torment me and keep me from becoming proud. 8 Three different times I begged the Lord to take it away. 9 Each time he said, “My grace is all you need. My power works best in weakness.” So now I am glad to boast about my weaknesses, so that the power of Christ can work through me. 10 That’s why I take pleasure in my weaknesses, and in the insults, hardships, persecutions, and troubles that I suffer for Christ. For when I am weak, then I am strong.” 2 Corinthians 12:7-10

Stand in the rain by Superchic[k]

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"She never slows down.
She doesn't know why but she knows that when she's all alone, feels like its all coming down
She won't turn around
The shadows are long and she fears if she cries that first tear, the tears will not stop raining down

[CHORUS]
So stand in the rain
Stand your ground
Stand up when it's all crashing down
You stand through the pain
You won't drown
And one day, whats lost can be found
You stand in the rain

She won't make a sound
Alone in this fight with herself and the fears whispering if she stands she'll fall down
She wants to be found
The only way out is through everything she's running from wants to give up and lie down.

[CHORUS]
So stand in the rain
Stand your ground
Stand up when it's all crashing down
You stand through the pain
You won't drown
And one day, whats lost can be found
You stand in the rain

So stand in the rain
Stand your ground
Stand up when it's all crashing down
Stand through the pain
You won't drown
And one day, whats lost can be found

[CHORUS]
So stand in the rain
Stand your ground
Stand up when it's all crashing down
You stand through the pain
You won't drown
And one day, whats lost can be found
You stand in the rain"