Even on my weakest days, I get a little bit stronger.

"Woke up late today and I still feel the sting of the pain. But I brushed my teeth anyway. I got dressed through the mess and put a smile on my face. I got a little bit stronger... I know my heart will never be the same but I'm telling myself I'll be okay. Even on my weakest days, I get a little bit stronger." Sara Evans, Little Bit ...Stronger

Ok- I know the song is about breaking up but the chorus caught my ear.

This past week has been one for the record books... I have never had to fight against the demons of depression like this past week. On Sunday evening, I had just finally had enough... enough of the tears, enough of being angry about loss, enough of missing sweet faith, enough of not being myself. I lost control and make a mistake that I hadnt made in 3 years almost. I burnt myself... and was sent into a spiral of depression. SO much so, that I couldn't leave the house until Wednesday afternoon- and even then, had to rush back after taking Josh to work. Each time I thought about having to face the world... my head would start throbbing and my heart would start pounding and uncontrollable crying.
I was able to go see my counselor Thursday afternoon to get some help and Alicia (Who is an amazing blessing) talked me through what I have been feeling and some coping strategies that I need to recover. She gave me "homework" that I had to leave the house that night with Josh. We went out to eat... but I was fighting the anxiety the whole time. I love being with Josh but it was really difficult to really let go. I made the promise to myself that I would get up and dressed and go to work on Friday. The following morning I fought back tears as we got in the car. The fear of facing people at work... who I had felt that I let down... was painful. We began to prepare my room for the day...and the dam broke. The flood of tears began and I realized that I was not quite ready for this. I spoke to my amazing co-teachers, in tears, and attempted to leave. Unfortunately, I saw one of my students on my way out.
This sweet little first grader was so excited to see me back after a week of being out... she ran at me full force and said "MRS CAINES- YOU ARE BACK!" I could barely get the words out, "No, I am still have to be at home today." It broke my already-in-peices heart to have to see her excitement and have to walk away. My kids are so special to me and I wanted to be there for them. Sobbing in the car... Josh finally got me home and I crawled into bed... absolutely defeated.

Now, here I sit, preparing lessons and SMARTboards for another Monday. I am using the coping strategies discussed with my counselor and using the help of my meds to be calm. I know my heart will never be the same but I'm telling myself I'll be okay. Even on my weakest days, I get a little bit stronger. I will continue to get stronger. I have to. God is there, even in my weakness. He will help to fight the fear and worries and sadness. I will grieve for my sweet baby Faith. I will recover, in time. I must cling to GOD's promises.

" …all the days ordained for me were written in Your book before one of them came to be" (Psalm 139:16, NIV) Father God, today I humbly come to You giving thanks for Your goodness and faithfulness in my life. I trust that Your plan for me is good, and I choose to turn the page on the past by choosing Your ways. I forgive myself and release my pain so I can move forward in the next chapter You have for me. In Jesus’ Name. Amen.