At www.thatgirlthing.com, there is a link to the video from TGT 2009. This is a video of That Girl Thing Retreat in which I, along with other leaders, got to share our stories of how God has worked in our lives. It was intense and emotional for us all... but we knew that God was calling us to share the truth. My story starts at 2:20 through 9:00..... then completes at 28:50 through 33:40.
Here is the written version of my story. Be prepared... it is honest and raw.
-Growing up, I was always the good girl. Did the right thing- I couldn’t show when I got upset or sad or mad because I had to make sure everyone else was happy.
-As I grew up, I faced challenges, of course… and I would get through it. I would look back and think- I’m ok. No one can know. I tried to follow God and pray through it. But I still found it really hard to share with people when I was hurting.
-In the summer of 2005- God called me to give up the thing that meant the most to me. That’s one reason why I had to give it up… it began to mean more to me than him. So- in this act of trusting God….. Satan saw my heart and decided to attack me full force with the lies that had always been hiding in the background of my mind.
-I graduated college and began my first year of teaching. I got majorly overwhelmed at trying to be a grown up… I could do it. I felt I was failing at everything in life- that I would never been good enough or do it right. Those lies began to swallow me whole and color my whole life. I began experiencing what I can only call the darkness… nights when all I could do was shake and cry because it was too much. Life was too much. But I still couldn’t let anyone know…. I couldn’t be “broken”.
-I turned to shallow meaningless interactions with guys to try to control anything in my life. If I was making choices- I wanted to forget that feeling of darkness. So I made some serious mistakes with guys that meant nothing to me but physical affection. I craved feeling anything else… Praise God I never had sex during this time. I began to feel dirty and knew I was giving away my innocence and knew these mistakes were temporary fixes. I was hurting people without realizing it and I couldn’t let people know that I wasn’t the “good girl” anymore… that I had done things I wasn’t proud of.
-I knew I couldn’t turn to guys anymore to forget… I needed something I could control. So, I turned to making myself sick. I would force myself to vomit up what I ate when I felt the darkness… it wasn’t a weight thing. It had nothing to do with that at all…. I needed to control something- anything in my life. But friends started to notice- and started to ask if I was sick. They started to worry and encourage me to go to the doctor…. All because I needed something to control. But it scared me… they knew. Even though I tried to hide…. They knew. So I had to find another way….
-When the pressures of life got too much, when I let a friend down, or made a mistake at work, or felt as though I was disappointing people…. I felt the darkness overwhelm me. I struggled to breathe and would shake uncontrollably…. Sobbing because I couldn’t do it right. I needed something- I needed an escape. I needed to feel something else- anything else besides this hurt.
-So, I took it another step…. I began burning myself with my curling iron. In places no one would ever see. That rush of pain- I felt alive again. It stopped the swirling and the spinning and the drowning feeling. It caused pain, yes. I still have scars, yes. But that stinging burn of the iron… felt better somehow than drowning in darkness.
-I only told one person, who must have been so scared for me. At 2 am, during those calls, when I couldn’t talk and reminding me to breathe. He didn’t know what else to do- so he prayed. He put me at the feet of the Father and allowed me to be broken. I hated that the one person that meant the world to me had to see my darkness…. But allowed me to be honest and real. He made me promise to tell him the truth. He made me see that honesty wouldn’t make him leave… or be too much for him to handle. Because his strength came from God- just as mine would if I went back to my first love, my relationship with Christ.
-I was barely hanging on, fighting for control. Still hurting myself to escape. Then in May, the weekend of Mother’s day…. I went home to visit my parents… only to find that my mom was in the hospital with and cancerous tumor and questionable spots in her diseased lungs. And- I couldn’t fix it. I couldn’t hide from the pain of what could happen… I was lost in a world where I didn’t have the answers. I had no control- no matter what I did. This situation tore me down farther than I ever thought I could go. My mother had to have her arm amputated and is now on oxygen for the rest of her life. And no matter what I do or what I say, I cant control it. Only God can.
-I began to take steps to believe what Id always been taught…. And in the summer of 2009 I went as a chaperone with my youth from my church back home to Seesalt. I continued to battle those thoughts of “not being good enough” or second guessing every choice I made that week and feeling like such a failure. And Thursday night God broke my heart down- and I let others in. I had to tell my secrets because they were eating me alive. Destroying me from the inside out… emotionally, mentally, and physically. Those lies that I had let myself believe were truth. Becky, another chaperone on the trip prayed with me and helped me to see that I needed help.
-In August, I began going to a Christian Counselor to talk through what I had been going through. I was diagnosed with anxiety disorder and I finally had a name for the paralyzing fear and overwhelming darkness. I continue to meet every other week with my counselor and take medicine to help me cope with the anxiety. I have learned coping strategies when I feel out of control.
-I still face the battle everyday. To believe the lies or trust in the truth of God. I cling to verses like 1 Corinthians 10:5 “We destroy every proud obstacle that keeps people from knowing God. We capture their rebellious thoughts and teach them to obey Christ.” and Phillipians 4:4-9 “Don’t worry about anything; instead, pray about everything. Tell God what you need, and thank him for all he has done. 7 Then you will experience God’s peace, which exceeds anything we can understand. His peace will guard your hearts and minds as you live in Christ Jesus. And now, dear brothers and sisters, one final thing. Fix your thoughts on what is true, and honorable, and right, and pure, and lovely, and admirable. Think about things that are excellent and worthy of praise. 9 Keep putting into practice all you learned and received from me—everything you heard from me and saw me doing. Then the God of peace will be with you.”
-In my weakness, in the darkness, He is strong. Think what you want about me…. But know that God brought me through and still is. “ So to keep me from becoming proud, I was given a thorn in my flesh, a messenger from Satan to torment me and keep me from becoming proud. 8 Three different times I begged the Lord to take it away. 9 Each time he said, “My grace is all you need. My power works best in weakness.” So now I am glad to boast about my weaknesses, so that the power of Christ can work through me. 10 That’s why I take pleasure in my weaknesses, and in the insults, hardships, persecutions, and troubles that I suffer for Christ. For when I am weak, then I am strong.” 2 Corinthians 12:7-10
